When Destiny died, I tried to let myself sink to the bottom of the water, but my body just kept pulling itself back up. I didn’t want to be asked any questions about the blinding light, gunshots, burning bodies and discarded vehicles, so I started walking. I just kept walking, not sure if I was taking the path, just knowing I was following the main highway, and I’d get there eventually. Wanting to avoid people I just walked through the crops and woods bordering the highway all through the night.

If I ran, I’m sure I could make it in a day, there’s only 40, maybe 45 miles. If I just ran, I could make it in an hour. I’m not sure if I have the endurance to run that long, but even if I did, I don’t want to run right now. I don’t even want to move. I just want to lie down, and I don’t know. I want to be with her, more than anything else. I don’t know if I’d prefer to just lie here and die, or try to bring her back. I just know my world isn’t complete without her. It’s like I’ve lost half of my heart, half of my soul and now I’m scared to live without her.

I take a seat against a large tree, overlooking some sprouting crops. I’m not tired, my body can keep walking with no problem as the sun rises. Usually a sun rise would make me feel better. A new day, a new chance to change my life for the better. The sunlight would wash away all of yesterday’s problems and bring a chance to create new solutions. I read something stupid like that online once, and it sounded so great. It was a good way to look at life, but whoever wrote that, never lost anyone they loved. Watching the sunrise, knowing the love of your life isn’t under it somewhere doesn’t bring joy. It’s like surviving a nightmare, just to watch to sun come up. There’s a moment of relief, and then you realize the nightmare is still going. It’s just another section of one long bad dream. Around every corner, you expect there to be an exit, but there’s just another long walk to another long corner. It’s not a dream where the monster is constantly chasing after me. I haven’t made it to school without my pants. No, I’m chasing someone, that I can never manage to catch. The problem is, this isn’t a dream. This is my real life, there’s no waking up from this. Every time I close my eyes, I see what I can no longer have. I never pictured a life when she wasn’t with me, and now, I still can’t. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live without her. When my favorite uncle died, my dad told me time will heal the pain in my heart, one day I wouldn’t remember and now I can’t recall his voice, and struggle to remember his facial features. But not Destiny, I’ll never forget her. I remember every moment we spent together perfectly, I keep replaying them in fast forward through my mind. I couldn’t stop the movie if I wanted to. But the more I watch the movie, the more I question it, try to rewrite it.

Things might have been different if I had pushed harder back when we worked with The Were Rats. We didn’t need to make the situation worse. Maybe we could have patched it up when we met with Justin. Should I have just run away when I found them in her apartment? Maybe if I just made something up when they were torturing me. I ask questions about every interaction and conversation we had concerning House Marson. The answer I get every time is, no. I couldn’t have done anything to change this outcome, because she was willing to drop all of the issues and runaway with me. But, they just couldn’t let her run away and live a happy life. They were just as obsessed as she was, maybe more. I just didn’t see it, because I wasn’t looking from their side.

I should have fought harder, tried to face my fears more. I should have dove into her world head first until The Marson House was nothing but ashes and rubble. I should have tried to fight harder, studied more, practiced more. I should have treated this as if it was a war, instead of a petty squabble that got out of hand. I was just too afraid. I was afraid of fighting. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of Destiny dying. Now, I’m sitting here and all of those things came true anyway. Even now, I don’t really like fighting, but I have a reason to fight now. They gave me one. I might not get them tomorrow, or the next day, but one day I will. For now, I need to get to Dulac, and learn what I can.


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