3.16 - What You Want
“You hit yet bro,” Elias smiled.
“What?”
“Have you slept with her yet,” he asked again.
“No, I haven’t,” I’m a little offended he would ask.
“Wow, you must really love this chick? I mean really, wow. I
would have swam in that ocean by now,” Elias laughs. “I was starting to think
you would never fall in love. But here you are, love struck. You didn’t even
ask for a little coochie coochie coo,” Elias keeps laughing.
I just take a big bite of the pot roast Elias cooked for
dinner. I don’t ever recall us ever talking about our love lives before. Most
likely because I never had a love life before now, if you can even call it a
love life. On the other hand, Elias never stayed with the same woman for too
long. I had a pretty good idea of what his love life featured without asking. I
figured it was mostly the lyrics to that Jay Z song, Big Pimpin. He wasn’t exactly loving these women or even making
love to them. Just having sex and never speaking to them again after he got
bored.
“I’m proud of you. I mean, you’re going to be the only one
in the family with a functional relationship. That’s great,” Elias says between
bites of mashed potatoes.
“Mom, and dad are pretty functional.”
He chokes on his potatoes, “No, not in hell. He’s like
twenty years older than her. I love mom, but she’s a gold digger. By the book,
expert on it. Teaching a class. Now she’s just reaching fifty, trying to live
her best life, and he’s closer to seventy than he is fifty, or sixty.”
“Okay that’s a good point.”
“Is she even your girlfriend yet?”
“We haven’t really talked about the idea yet.”
“C’mon man,” Elias throws his hands in the air. “I know
you’re new to this whole world of relationships thing, but you can’t be this clueless.
You’ve been with her almost every day for weeks now. Clearly, she likes you,
and I know you like her. You can’t shut up about her. You’re probably running
all her errands now and everything. But you can’t ask her to be exclusive.”
“I’m not doing her errands and I don’t think now is the
right time. We’re just getting to know each other right now.”
“We’re just getting to know each other,” he mocks me. “How
much more do you need to know about her?”
“Favorite movie, favorite food, dream vacation, if she wants
a family.”
“Boy, you are a lame,” Elias starts laughing again.
“That word is offensive to those with disabilities,” is all
I can think to say.
“You need to move forward in this thing. Let me help you.”
“You? No, I’ve seen how all your relationships end blowing
up in a big ball of flames or a vanishing act.”
“Name one,” Elias crosses his arms.
“Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia, Dawn, LeShaun, Ines and
Alicia,” I start.
“Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki, Lisa, Veronica, Karen,
Vicky,” Elias takes over.
“Cookie, well I met her in an ice cream parlor.”
“Tonya, Diane, Lori, Carla, Marina, Selena, Katrina,
Sabrina,”
“About three Kims,”
“LaToya and Tina,”
“Shelley, Bridget, Cathy, Rasheeda, Kelly, Nicole, Angel,
Juanita”
“Stacy, Tracie, Rohna, and Ronda”
“Donna, Ulanda, Twana and Wanda,” we finish in unison.
“What these bitches really want from a nigga,” Elias yells
with his whole heart.
“You need to chill out,” I laugh as I start to clear the
table.
“I know, but you should try to make this exclusive. I’m not
saying she’s got other guys. But, if she’s as fine as you say she is, she has
other suitors,” Elias has a point.
“I know, I just don’t know how or when. What if she says
no?”
“Then you stick around until she says yes or she becomes
exclusive with someone else,” Elias shrugs.
“That sounds like stalking.”
“It is not stalking, it is relationship stagnation. It
either ends or upgrades. Real simple.”
“You really think you’re the super relationship guy,” I
taunt him.
“You’re right. Want to watch a movie,” trademark Elias
attention span.
“I’m Gonna Get You
Sucka,” I suggest.
“You know that’s our favorite. You should be watching with
your goth girlfriend. But I’ll sit with you.”
“Oh, thank you so much.”
“Don’t get too touch feely. I will not be felt up during the
movie and keep your hands out of my pants. I’m classy as fuck,” Elias twirls
out of the room like a drunk ballerina.
“I wouldn’t dream of getting in your diseased pants,” I
follow and plop down on the couch.
“I’m tested regularly and clean as a whistle. You should be
honored at the idea of touching me,” Elias laughs and gestures to his crotch.
“Hard pass on that.”
“If I wasn’t your brother, you’d be all over me.”
“You’re not my type, I like my guys a little smarter.”
“Low blow right there,” Elias takes a seat.
“So where the gay jokes. We all have our sore spots.”
“Fair enough, but I’d never let anyone else fuck with you.
That’s always been my promise,” Elias holds out his fist.
“And I’ll never let anyone take advantage of you,” I meet
him for the fist bump.
“You got the brains, I got the brawn, and we’re double the
beauty,” he laughs.
“You know we’ve got another brother, right?”
“And two sisters. But our brother is a dick, so fuck him”
Elias and I burst into laughter as he presses play.
“Three sisters,” I laugh.
“I count the twins as one, they haven’t developed their own
personalities yet.”
“You are terrible.”
“Not as much as D’Andre, he’s a real asshole. Have you
talked to him lately?”
“Chill out, he’s only 19.”
“Old enough to be an asshole, and know it,” Elias laughs.
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